Two runs

Back home after a two-day business trip. It feels good to say that. I was able to make the important trip because Dori is improving and Dori's Caregiver Team is top notch! Mom, Anne and Dan ... YOU ARE THE BEST!

Dori's energy level continues to improve. A blood test shows her DNA is now 100% donor DNA. She'll have a biopsy Tuesday to confirm that and some other things, but go, Hans, go! Her appetite is improving and she's been given a tapered steroid schedule that will finish before Christmas, if all stays on track. Dori looks good and feels good, but certainly isn't 100%. She's pacing herself smartly. The kids are at some friends' house, so we're going for a walk in a bit with Pepper.

Tonight, friends of the Hendrys are having a bonfire celebration/auction in Franklin for Chuck and his family. I don't think I can make it because the kids will be home by then, and I need to be here. We're very happy Chuck is making great progress.

Vanderbilt plays UT in football in a few hours. My Florida prediction was a joke, and I think UT is going to handle us easily. Something like 31-13 or 24-10. Maybe I'll be wrong again, which would be nice.

I was able to run twice on the road, so I actually ran three times this week! After my six-mile Sunday run, I ran a fast 5K late Wednesday afternoon and a smooth 4-miler on Friday at dawn. I probably ran an 8:30 pace or lower on the 5K and about a 9:00 pace on the 4-miler. It felt good to run 13 miles this week. I did enter the Thanksgiving Boulevard Bolt on Belle Meade Blvd., though I'll have to watch my calf, which is bothering me again. Stretch and rest ... sound familiar?

I'm also considering running a full marathon in 2008. When this thought pops in my head, it usually goes away within a day because I recall the pain of a half marathon. For some reason, I've thought about a full three days in a row now. I definitely need to sort this out ... Dori said she'll support me if I run a full, but doesn't think it's a wise idea, given my muscle trouble. She's got a point. I think I would need to drop another 25 pounds and train even smarter to make it work so the stress is reduced. What's got me thinking is I raised $25K for LLS through my half, why not raise $50K through a full? I would do this at least a year after the Virginia Beach Half so there is no donor fatigue. I'll ruminate more over some dark beer and stuffing next week ... two of several reasons why Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday.

Back home and running again

This weekend has been wonderful. Dori is home and enjoying being with us again. Friday, when she came home, she was too tired to enjoy everything. She slept three hours and was quiet until dinner, when we all went to bed. We slept almost 12 hours! Halleluiah! Her smile returned yesterday and she has been soaking it all in since then.

The weekend hasn't been a typical weekend. Yesterday, Dori was at the clinic from 8-3:30. I took the first half and my Mom relieved me so I could take Will to the Vanderbilt-Kentucky game. Dori had to receive IVs potassium and magnesium, which took awhile, and the clinic staff had to spend time focusing on an older patient who was struggling. Last night, the kids went to the Predators hockey game with some friends from school, while Dori and I chilled out and watched football.

Speaking of Vanderbilt, the game yesterday was like Groundhog Day. I told my son as a Vanderbilt football fan, he'll have to expect experiencing the feeling of, "I've read that book and seen that movie many times." Our coaches, IMO, played not to lose, while the players left it on the field. At the end of the first half with a slim lead, we tried to run out the clock at midfield and then kick and play prevent defense. Things like that send a message to your team, almost like you don't trust them. Kentucky tied us before halftime and scored on the opening drive of the second half. Been there, seen that.

On a brighter note, I ran six miles this morning, my first run in three weeks. I went slow, figuring the amount of chocolate and cheese I've eaten the last month might have affected my conditioning. It was the right call. I ran just under a 10:00 minute pace to make sure I didn't tank. The terrain was moderate, temp was a comfortable 60 degrees and the humidity was about 30 percent. Fall running is the best.

The only time the last month I had done anything aerobic was walking with Dori in the hall at VUMC, running 11 flights of stairs one day at VUMC, and riding the bike and lifting at the Y a time or two. I'm not out of shape but not in shape either; I'm considering running the Boulevard Bolt Thanksgiving morning. That's probably my favorite race, so we'll see if I can get in a few runs beforehand.

I told Dori the last five months have felt like they have been both the slowest and fastest period of my life. Slowest for obvious reasons, but fastest because I've been in such a routine as a caregiver husband, father, mother, employee and half marathon trainer. That said, June felt like it was five years ago, not five months. Once I deployed for seven months in the Navy, and once I didn't see land or a port for 60 days. This chapter has seemed longer in some ways than those two excursions, except the routine part was much more intense on this year's "deployment."

Clearly, we are in a new chapter, to which we will adjust and press forward. I'm looking forward to it. The goal is to get to 100 days with Dori feeling back to her normal self, fresh with her newly rejuvenated bone marrow and strong immune system. That will be my Christmas prayer.

'Light at the end of the tunnel'

The last few posts about football probably reek of "me Tarzan, you Jane" maleness. So here's a photo of a flower, the aromatic aster or big aster, that's common to Tennessee. We have some blooming in our yard right now. As I was walking up the driveway last night, I spotted some aster, which immediately reminded me of Dori ... simple yet elegant, and a beautiful purple that is so Dori. When I read a description of the aster, I learned it's "drought-resistant." Not surprisingly, it's the only flower acting sassy in our yard right now after a miserable summer of heat and little rain. That's kind of how I feel right now ... it's been a rough five months, but I'm beginning to see beauty around me again. The aster represents much to me in November 2007 and probably will for some time.

Dori said she's beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I certainly share that feeling. We know there are still risks in the first 100 days plus and the chance of relapse or complications exists. That's just reality. What's special is I detect Dori and I both, after facing such adversity and odds (I never shared those nor will I because I think odds are for minimalists and actuaries), are ready to get on with it all as she recovers. I expect many of those obstacles that seemed large pre-leukemia won't seem that way to us. We've been "Lanced" by cancer, though I'm not ready to predict any Tour de France victories. Besides, Dori is on plenty of steroids; she'd never pass a test in France for the rest of her life.

We do both think about her donor often, and I expect that will continue. Dori has written about what this giving 23-year-old male has meant to her. Reading it was like getting one of those ice pails of water dumped on you. At dinner tonight, Kathryn asked me about some of the pop culture divas, wondering why they get so much attention. This, of course, was a great "Dori question," but I stepped up to the plate. "Kathryn, some people in our media like to glorify the Paris Hiltons, Lindsey Lohans and Brittany Spears. Your Mom and I hope you and your brother choose to glorify God, and celebrate and honor those who are selfless, not self-centered." People like Dori's donor. Since he's from Europe, I'm calling him Hans until we hopefully meet him. That will be a glorious day.

Hope you enjoyed the aster and may God bless every one of you like he has the Browns this Thanksgiving.

Eating crow

Women are not only tougher than men, they're smarter. Note to self: Listen to my wife more often.

Florida 49
VU 22

Ouch.

Dores and Gators

I told Dori I think Vanderbilt has a chance to beat Florida tomorrow in the Swamp. Girl thinks Boy is crazy: "We're not going to win, Jim." Admittedly, this boy has had a bit too much Kommodore Kool-Aid in the past. Vanderbilt is flirtacious and a known heart breaker, we all know.

Look at the last five years, however, and Florida has struggled with VU when they have had good or great teams. This year, they have a good team that has been beaten up in succession by Auburn, LSU, Kentucky and Georgia, with no bye week. Here are some reasons I think this game will be close and could go the Commodores' way:

- The Gators are hurt on the defensive line, secondary and QB. Tebow is not 100%. Florida's D is nothing like last year's.
- Florida has gone from competing for a national championship to competing for a decent bowl. Yawn.
- Florida is a good match-up for the Dores. I was at last year's game and remember thinking these guys aren't outclassing us like in years past.
- Vanderbilt has a speedy defense with strong cornerbacks, allowing other players to roam the field and hunt the ball. VU brings in the nation's No. 14 defense.
- The Dores look like they can finally cover kicks, as well as return them. Alex Washington and D.J. Moore are going to bring one back soon.
- We have receivers who can get open and make great plays.
- VU is 6-7 on the road in recent games, and have wins against UT, Arkansas, UGA and USC. We play loose on the road.

Of course, concerns remain:

- Our QBs haven't really extended the field with their arms, and our running game is one-dimensional. VU's Dean of Arts & Sciences is considering adding a three-credit class, Conservative Play-Calling with Professor Ted Cain. Stopping us is pretty easy, if you're well coached. The gimpy Gators are.
- VU's only bad loss this year was at Auburn, 35-7. The Dores looked lost against a charged team.
- Our QB and offensive line output has been sub-par, making it difficult to score copious points.
- We're prone to bad kharma against the Gators - the awful celebration call in 2005 and two blocked punts last year in the first quarter. The first five minutes are crucial to Vanderbilt's chances at the upset.

My astute seven-year-old son, unlike my wife, believes the Dores have a good chance. Several pundits on talk radio also are predicting a tight one. I see a very close contest. Something like, 27-23 or 24-17. I think the Dores have a 30% chance at the upset. The line started at an astonishing 17 points Monday and has moved down to 13-14 points, a significant move. The smart money recognized a bad line.

Final from Gainesville:
VANDERBILT 24
FLORIDA 21

Quiet night

Time for some pics. I thought I would share some Halloween faces and a photo of Dori's visit last Sunday with the kids. Kathryn is a cat, while Will is VU star receiver Earl Bennett. Last Sunday's visit was the only time the kids have seen their Mom in two weeks, though they talk daily with her on the phone.

The kids are with family and friends the next three nights, so tonight I'm alone with the dog. Talk about quiet! Tonight is the first night in two weeks Dori will be without a room companion at VUMC. She promised me she will buzz the nurses when she gets up, so I'm counting on her to use all resources. She'll enjoy being alone for the first time in weeks, as well.

So when it's finally quiet, what do you do? You pay bills, balance the checkbook, celebrate the washer and dishwasher not running, eat a few brownies, and blog, brothers and sisters!

First, I'll share words I never use ... that I'm proud about something I did. It just sunk in what I accomplished at the Virginia Beach Half Marathon last month. Yes, out of 17,000 runners, I finished 4,000-and-something and ran a PR. Not bad for a big 42-year-old. But I finished FIRST out of 487 fund-raising participants, according to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, in funds raised for LLS at the VB Half Marathon. Dori, you inspired me and a lot of people to do a lot of good, and there's more where that came from.

I'm loving my new role at work. I'm not going to go in to detail for a few reasons, but I'll share my employer has been very supportive of me through our life challenges. What's fun right now ... When you find a passion and a fit, you just want to achieve and excel. I'm in that groove at work, though I often think of Dori when I am working. Because of technology and family and friend support, I have been able to multi-task and perform most of my functions while maintaining a near-constant watch at home and the hospital. Of course, I don't get to jog like I once did or much else that's relaxing, for that matter. But hey, that's temporary and where life is right now. I have been dreaming about taking Dori and the kids on the beach trip I promised them this summer. Skiing in Steamboat over a long weekend would be nice, too. Bitter ale, elk and buffalo sausage, and some snow would be good.

Does it get any better than the community at St. Bernard Academy? God has blessed us by having our children there. The list of exceptional folk is a long one. I heard tonight from a friend (jokingly) that we're at that "liberal Catholic school." If liberal means loved, cherished, appreciated and embraced, we're in. My hat is off to the many SBA people who have stepped up to make this year bright on other fronts as Dori tackles leukemia.

P.S. I added a blogger friends section. Rex Hammock's blog is one of Nashville's best. Laura, if you start blogging again, I'll start "fixin' supper" ...

P.S.S. If I get time before Saturday, I'll tell you why I believe Vanderbilt has a real chance to beat Florida in the Swamp. Be on alert, Gators!

Until we blog again ...

Turning tide

I have tried to keep an even keel through everything that Dori, the kids and I are experiencing. When the lows have hit, I've tried to stay positive; when the highs visited, I've tried to stay grounded. Last week was a week of many lows. Now, the tide seems to be turning.

Dori has some strength back and is making slow, steady progress. She did some of her exercises today that she couldn't even think of doing last week. Her laps on her walks are steadily increasing. She's getting anxious to get out of VUMC, not just out of bed to the bathroom. We know Dori is going to face many more obstacles, but it's good to be emerging from Hell Week with an increasing amount of good news.

Dr. Greer is encouraged by Dori's progress. Her white blood cell counts are rising, her fever is all but gone and the early view on graft versus host disease is the symptoms are mild (a faint arm and chest rash so far). We will know more soon after her gastro-intestinal endoscopy results come back later today or tomorrow. She might be able to go home in the near future if she stays on this course and after she begins to eat decently. I have been thinking a lot about the 23-year-old donor somewhere overseas lately. I truly do hope he and Dori get to meet next year. We will be eager to thank him for his selflessness and gift of life.

I like the fact Dori is in the room Cecil, the 70-year-old patient, inhabited this summer. Cecil, a retired minister, was the only person on the bike as much as Dori during July's dog days. He never wavered facing his disease and was a favorite among the staff, like Dori. His vibe is still alive in Room 19.

I received a nice letter from the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society the other day. They mentioned my Make Cures Happen campaign at the Virginia Beach Half Marathon was the top fund-raising effort this year. They had our effort down for $15,000, but we were more like $22,000 officially and maybe even hit $25,000 total (I didn't pry asking what some donated). LLS trained 331 Team in Training runners while 156 people were part of the Make Cures Happen program. LLS raised more than $1 million at the race and the MCH effort garnered $87,500. Funds raised "will support research, public education, patient aid, community service and professional education." Quality of life for patients and families were boosted by all of you who contributed in Dori's honor. I have seen Dori personally benefit through some of the clinical trials of which she's a part, including a drug for mouth sores. THANK YOU AGAIN, EVERYONE!

Oh, yes. I haven't run in nearly two weeks. That may change, as the kids have some sleepovers soon and Dori may have enough strength to be by herself. That would be another sign things are headed in the right direction.

In awe of Dori

As noted on CaringBridge today, this week will not soon be forgotten. We're all happy it's over and that a new week has begun.

Starting late last Friday, Dori's condition started sliding. After a very difficult Saturday and Sunday, Dori gradually came out of the valley. Dori told me today she didn't think she was going to make it through last Saturday (severe nausea, chills, bloody phlegm, etc.). That was a "wow." I then asked her what helped her climb out of the trough, and she said, "God," and then "You and the kids." Good priorities, if you ask me.

Fortunately, she says she doesn't remember much from the last seven days. I wish I could forget it. Seeing your true love go through hell (the right term) is taxing. You feel helpless almost constantly. I've heard the following many times and said it a few ... that God has equipped our species to go through things like this. True, but it is difficult to watch what Dori is experiencing. But as one of the care partners said today while she was walking, "Good times are coming, Dori." That's what Dori said God has promised her.

The kids are doing relatively well. They are still laughing and playing, and doing well in school. I firmly believe they are watching their parents stare down fear and anxiety and trying hard to emulate our actions. They haven't seen Dori since Sunday, when Dori was in rough shape. Seeing Mom in pain made Will cry. It hurts to write that a week later. Kathryn has woken a few times just wanting to talk. I've heard the kids and Dori all talking in their sleep, and Lord knows what I'm muttering after the lights go out. It all adds up and takes its toll, and you do nothing but face it.

I am in total awe of my wife. She is a warrior. She is a leader and has shown her family and circle of influence how to respond to adversity. After Vanderbilt beat South Carolina last Saturday, the Sunday headline said, "Vandy rises to test." I thought, "That should read 'Dori' instead of 'Vandy.'" She is selfless, courageous, spirited, calm and grounded in goodness. I complement her with reassurance and the resolve to accept nothing less than victory. She deserves nothing less. Also of note, our solid marriage has never been stronger. I ask God every day to let us carry on together to the next chapter, and I know many more are asking the same.

I'm not exhausted, but I'm starting to feel it. It's that raw feeling when you haven't had enough rest or personal time. I haven't run, which has been my panacea, in more than a week. That's too bad, since the weather is perfect for some 5-6 mile runs. Duty calls.

I have to vent a little, something I haven't done much. I don't believe it's healthy to waste reserves on negative stuff. That said, I think the caregiver class we took before Dori was readmitted was irrelevant to our experience. Most of it was a rehash of what I read from the National Marrow Donor Program's handbook. There were no "real-life" examples of what you might expect or things that have hindered or hurt patients in the past ... and to what challenges or pitfalls caregivers should be alert. I won't list that here, but suffice it to say my Mom and I have shared general impressions with some staff we trust and will be delivering specifics at the appropriate time so other families can be aware and alert, if they so choose. It certainly would have helped us plan and prepare better. Quite a few organizations (and people) tend to present information through their own eyes and not their audience's (customers, patients and caregivers, etc.).

Dori is falling asleep, and I better join her.

Battling

Dori is in the most critical part of her battle, according to Dr. Greer this morning.

This weekend has been hell for Dori ... she is coughing up bloody phlegm and having trouble with dry blood causing severe congestion; she is queasy and occasionally sick, and her mouth and stomach are sore. She hasn't had solid foods since last week; her IV of nutrition is hooked up, but she did need an insulin shot last night to help processing. She's at Day Plus 12 since the bone marrow transplant, and has at least another week of this until engraftment. It is difficult to watch, so much so that we're discouraging visitors and that means the kids, too, unfortunately.

Most folks who know Dori well would barely recognize her right now. She is puffy all over and barely and rarely opens her eyes. She still hasn't complained a lick. Women are so much stronger than men. That is now clear to me. My greatest concern is Dori getting up on her own while she's so heavily medicated. She already fell last week, and is wobbly when she gets up to go the bathroom. Last night, she got up five times, two times without alerting me. Since I'm "sleeping" with one eye open, I immediately bounced up both times to escort her. She simply cannot fall right now.

To say all of this wears on you is an understatement. At some point, I'm going to have a good cry ... and down the road, hopefully a good laugh. I am forever grateful to the positive reassurances and support we're getting from expected and unexpected places. Our family members have been terrific, to no one's surprise; our friends, new and longtime, are stepping up with our children and by watching Dori this week.

I didn't really want to chronicle all this, but I felt I should for one reason ... that we can look back on this with clarity to recall what we endured and to live out our lives with zeal to fulfill His expectations. Dori is simply enduring hell on earth to get to a better place.

'And I ran ...'

Pretty good photos of the kids running, eh? Thanks to their great coach, Kathy Dortch, for these photos. Both Will and Kathryn improved throughout the season and learned a lot about themselves. Kathryn has good running form, while Will is very consistent with pace. Neither gave in on the hot days, and both bonded with teammates.

Thanks to our friend, Marian Kohl, who took the kids to Cheekwood yesterday with her girls, I had a few hours' free time late yesterday. If you guessed I went running, you win. I ran 5.5 miles on moderate terrain in perfect weather. Low humidity and dewpoint ... it was barely warm in the sun and cool in the shade. My pace was slow, but I wanted to breathe easy and enjoy it all.

I did so, except right at the end of mile one. To avoid inhaling some gas fumes and grass clippings churned into the air by a lawn guy, I held my breath for a few seconds. When I felt I'd cleared the swath of tainted air, I opened my mouth wide to take a deep breath. Immediately, a large insect, probably a big fly, slammed into the back of my throat. "CODE RED," I thought. I gagged, spit and attempted to eject the intruder. I'm not sure I did, but I used half my water in the process. The incident didn't ruin my run, but I'm sure I was the sight for a minute or two.

One thought on my run was how the half marathon training prepared me for managing this chaos I'm experiencing personally. Right now, I essentially have two jobs, and am a father, pseudo-mother and caregiver to Dori with all the associated duties. We may not think it, but we are equipped to do all of this, even though some days are difficult (Friends and family help, even though they often say they're not doing much). But when duty calls, you step up, as my friend Al likes to say. Buy-in to the mission is essential to handling the stress and anxiety.

Anyhoo, half-marathon training this summer was a God-send. I never took off one day, except at the end when I was injured and could not run. Some days, I woke up at 4:15 and said to myself, "This is crazy. I can't believe I'm about to go running this early." Before some afternoon runs in extreme summer heat, I mumbled internally, "Jez, Jim, are you serious? It's 98 degrees outside." But to succeed, there are no off days from the schedule. That's what Dori is counting on from me, and I am damn determined not to let her, or my children, down. I experience personal failings sometimes (impatience among several), but am able to regroup pretty quickly, in part because of the training.

I only ran eight miles this week, but every mile helps me cope better. So thanks, Marian, for the reprieve and the energy boost.

I'm hoping to catch a little college football today. Vanderbilt plays 7th ranked South Carolina, a team that usually pushes us around. Maybe we can push back for a change. Go Dores.